on [un]gratefulness and lions.

So yesterday was thanksgiving, the holiday of gratefulness.


And, if I'm being honest, this season of my life (post-college, living with my parents, teaching at the detention center, etc.) has not been marked with gratefulness.

Or even lightly dusted with it.

I have complained, sometimes out loud, to people, but far more often in my heart, to the Lord. Along with this posture of ungratefulness came a host of other unpleasant things, like restlessness, selfishness, and distrust in the Lord.

I've been wallowing in these things for a few months now, and every now and then I'd see the light, the millions of things I had to be grateful for, and get my act together. But I would always return to those attitudes, because, as awful as they are, they're easier. And in some strange way it feels good to feel sorry for yourself.

then 2 or 3 nights ago, I read this verse:

Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. (Psalm 116:7)

And the Lord's voice practically shouting at me, I have been here, pouring out my goodness on you, and you're shutting your eyes to it.

And it's funny, because when the Lord speaks, and I'm actually listening, I never feel hurt or embarrassed,  or offended, or even ashamed, but His voice is completely disarming. And humbling. I forget all the complaints and excuses I had, and it makes me want to give up. In the very best way.

In the Chronicles of Narnia, there are two quotes about this. I love how C.S. Lewis describes the effects of an encounter with God, or in this case, a lion:

But he was in no danger of feeling conceited for he didn't think about it at all now that he was face to face with Aslan. This time he found he could look straight into the Lion's eyes. He had forgotten his troubles and felt absolutely content. - The Magicians Nephew

"You have a traitor here Aslan," said the Witch. Of course everyone present that she meant Edmund. But Edmund had got past thinking about himself after all he'd had that morning. He just went on looking at Aslan. It didn't seem to matter what the Witch said. -The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe


So all of that said, here is my gratefulness list this thanksgiving:

1. I am so incredibly thankful for the disarming voice of God, and that He chooses to speak to me.
2. I am thankful for a job that I am in love with, and students who make my day every time I go into work.
3. I am thankful for a family who loves me much more than I deserve, and think much more highly of me than they ought to.
4. I am thankful for friends who are more like sisters, and a sister who my best friend.
5. I am thankful for the power of music. There have been so many times when I have felt less alone just because of a song lyric written by someone whom I have never met.

Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. Amen.

best days.

oh, for more days like these. 

"help me overcome my unbelief"

So here's the thing I've been dealing with lately...

I teach at a juvenile detention center, so most of the kids come from really bad homes. The majority of the girls have been sexually abused at some point in their lives. Many of our kids are in the foster system. Almost none of them have a father that is involved in their lives.

There is one boy who's 15 years old, and one of 10 kids (6 of whom have been in our facility). One day while he and his siblings we at school, his mom moved out of state. They came home that afternoon to an empty house. She came up to the center to visit one of her kids, and he was so excited because he was going to be able to eat lunch with his mom. She said she had food at home, and so she didn't want to stay.

There's a 15 year old girl who is pregnant for the 3rd time. The father of her baby is 27.

A 19 year old boy was released a few weeks ago and left completely alone. He's been in our facility for 3 months, and no one was there to see him when he was released.

They know more and have experienced more that children should ever have to, or anyone should have to, for that matter.

It just doesn't seem fair.

And sometimes I wonder, why not me? Why was I born to wonderful parents who loved Jesus and had good jobs and were able to give me everything I could ever need?

Most of the kids I teach were born into circumstances beyond their control. I'm not saying that their actions are excusable, or that they shouldn't be held accountable for the things that they do. But I am saying that there is more to every story. They are real people who have experienced real pain.

And it is so humbling to realize that me being "good" has nothing to do with my heart. If I were born into a different, different circumstances, who knows what I would be like. The same sin nature that's in the heart of the kids I teach is in my heart. It's only by the grace of God that I am where I am.

But being around kids like this, with stories like they have, makes me feel hopeless sometimes. How can they come out of this? It seems like literally everything is going against them.

And I realize that I say that I believe Jesus can do big things, like changing these kids' lives, but do I believe that he will?

And if I believe that Jesus can, but don't believe that He will, do I really believe at all?


Jesus, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24)