this time last year.

This time last year I was frantically trying to find a summer job/teaching job in Northwest Arkansas. I thought I might be moving to Fayetteville for the summer. I had semi-moved home, knowing that it was only a temporary thing. This time last year I was refusing to apply to teach at any schools in Pine Bluff. I wanted to teach in Northwest Arkansas, live close to all my friends, and work at Gap part-time during the summer so I could get a discount (yes, this was a legitimate part of my life dream). 

Today, I taught a room full of juvenile delinquents about whales. They freaked out when they found out that a blue whale's mouth is as big across as our ceilings are high. "Daaaaaaaang, that's a big ass whale." I watched 2 girls get into a fight and I breathed in some pepper spray. The kids found out my middle name and now think it's real funny to call me "Miss Elizabeth". I had a 14 year old kid call me Mama and come and lean his head on my shoulder. I fed my class fish and laughed with my kids. 

A year ago, in my wildest dreams I could not have imagined that this would be my life. And today I would have it absolutely no other way. 

here's to change.

here's to change. the good kind. the kind that sneaks up on you like a pleasant surprise.

the next thing.

Sometimes I want to skip ahead in my life. On to another phase. Around the next corner. I dream of the future and all the awesome things I'll get to do then. And I start to get dissatisfied with the things God has me doing now. I think they're boring, or just not quite as awesome as the picture of the future that I have in my head.

I was reminded this week by my dear friend Anna Kate of Elisabeth Elliot's saying, "do the next thing." I constantly want to skip ahead and look for other things to do, all the while ignoring the next thing that is right in front of me.

And for me, the next thing is going to work. It's teaching well. Loving my students. Interacting with my co-workers. Figuring out how to teach well in the weird situation I'm in. The next thing is coaching adorable 4th grade girls on Saturday and teaching them how to play sports and honor God in that. The next thing is leading students at my church in worship on Wednesday nights, and singing in the choir on Sundays. It's being a good sister, a good daughter, a good friend.

I have so much, and the Lord has been so good. He has given me so many wonderful next things. And when it's time for that hypothetical awesome future to get here and become a next thing, I'll embrace it. But for now I want to soak in this season of my life, because I don't know how long it will last, and I don't want to miss it.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven... he has made everything beautiful in its time. 

be strong and courageous.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

This past year, I have let fear creep into my life. Fear of looking stupid, fear of caring too much. Fear of not being good enough, not trying hard enough. I've been afraid of living at home and leaving my friends. I've been afraid of my own emotions.

Fear has been like this disease, poisoning my relationships, and stealing my joy. And I'm so tired of it. 

This year, Lord, remind me that you're with me, and let it make me brave.

on [un]gratefulness and lions.

So yesterday was thanksgiving, the holiday of gratefulness.


And, if I'm being honest, this season of my life (post-college, living with my parents, teaching at the detention center, etc.) has not been marked with gratefulness.

Or even lightly dusted with it.

I have complained, sometimes out loud, to people, but far more often in my heart, to the Lord. Along with this posture of ungratefulness came a host of other unpleasant things, like restlessness, selfishness, and distrust in the Lord.

I've been wallowing in these things for a few months now, and every now and then I'd see the light, the millions of things I had to be grateful for, and get my act together. But I would always return to those attitudes, because, as awful as they are, they're easier. And in some strange way it feels good to feel sorry for yourself.

then 2 or 3 nights ago, I read this verse:

Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. (Psalm 116:7)

And the Lord's voice practically shouting at me, I have been here, pouring out my goodness on you, and you're shutting your eyes to it.

And it's funny, because when the Lord speaks, and I'm actually listening, I never feel hurt or embarrassed,  or offended, or even ashamed, but His voice is completely disarming. And humbling. I forget all the complaints and excuses I had, and it makes me want to give up. In the very best way.

In the Chronicles of Narnia, there are two quotes about this. I love how C.S. Lewis describes the effects of an encounter with God, or in this case, a lion:

But he was in no danger of feeling conceited for he didn't think about it at all now that he was face to face with Aslan. This time he found he could look straight into the Lion's eyes. He had forgotten his troubles and felt absolutely content. - The Magicians Nephew

"You have a traitor here Aslan," said the Witch. Of course everyone present that she meant Edmund. But Edmund had got past thinking about himself after all he'd had that morning. He just went on looking at Aslan. It didn't seem to matter what the Witch said. -The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe


So all of that said, here is my gratefulness list this thanksgiving:

1. I am so incredibly thankful for the disarming voice of God, and that He chooses to speak to me.
2. I am thankful for a job that I am in love with, and students who make my day every time I go into work.
3. I am thankful for a family who loves me much more than I deserve, and think much more highly of me than they ought to.
4. I am thankful for friends who are more like sisters, and a sister who my best friend.
5. I am thankful for the power of music. There have been so many times when I have felt less alone just because of a song lyric written by someone whom I have never met.

Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. Amen.

"help me overcome my unbelief"

So here's the thing I've been dealing with lately...

I teach at a juvenile detention center, so most of the kids come from really bad homes. The majority of the girls have been sexually abused at some point in their lives. Many of our kids are in the foster system. Almost none of them have a father that is involved in their lives.

There is one boy who's 15 years old, and one of 10 kids (6 of whom have been in our facility). One day while he and his siblings we at school, his mom moved out of state. They came home that afternoon to an empty house. She came up to the center to visit one of her kids, and he was so excited because he was going to be able to eat lunch with his mom. She said she had food at home, and so she didn't want to stay.

There's a 15 year old girl who is pregnant for the 3rd time. The father of her baby is 27.

A 19 year old boy was released a few weeks ago and left completely alone. He's been in our facility for 3 months, and no one was there to see him when he was released.

They know more and have experienced more that children should ever have to, or anyone should have to, for that matter.

It just doesn't seem fair.

And sometimes I wonder, why not me? Why was I born to wonderful parents who loved Jesus and had good jobs and were able to give me everything I could ever need?

Most of the kids I teach were born into circumstances beyond their control. I'm not saying that their actions are excusable, or that they shouldn't be held accountable for the things that they do. But I am saying that there is more to every story. They are real people who have experienced real pain.

And it is so humbling to realize that me being "good" has nothing to do with my heart. If I were born into a different, different circumstances, who knows what I would be like. The same sin nature that's in the heart of the kids I teach is in my heart. It's only by the grace of God that I am where I am.

But being around kids like this, with stories like they have, makes me feel hopeless sometimes. How can they come out of this? It seems like literally everything is going against them.

And I realize that I say that I believe Jesus can do big things, like changing these kids' lives, but do I believe that he will?

And if I believe that Jesus can, but don't believe that He will, do I really believe at all?


Jesus, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24)

the truth about trust

"We often presume that trust will dispel the confusion, illuminate the darkness, vanquish the uncertainty, and redeem the times. But the crowd of witnesses in Hebrews 11 testifies that this is not the case. Our trust does not bring final clarity on this earth. It does not still the chaos or dull the pain or provide a crutch. When all else in unclear, the heart of trust says, as Jesus did on the cross, Into your hands I commit my spirit."

"The way of trust is a movement into obscurity, into the undefined, into ambiguity, not into some predetermined, clearly delineated plan for the future. The next step discloses itself only out of a discernment of God acting in the desert of the present moment. The reality of naked trust is the life of a pilgrim who leaves what is nailed down, obvious, and secure, and walks into the unknown without any rational explanation to justify the decision or guarantee the future. Why? Because God has signaled the movement and offered it his presence and his promise."

[both quotes from Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning]



oh, for grace to trust Him more!

in the hands of the Potter.

 "I went down to the potter’s house, and I saw him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him."

Jeremiah 18:3-4