Holy

I hope I get to sing this in heaven.

Today I am thankful...

For students that miss me when I'm gone for a few days

For excellent movies

For letters [and misspelled names]

For rest

For vacations with my favorite girls

That I get to go to cool conferences like this one because of my job

And that because of Jesus' death, the grave has lost all its power. 

the next thing.

Sometimes I want to skip ahead in my life. On to another phase. Around the next corner. I dream of the future and all the awesome things I'll get to do then. And I start to get dissatisfied with the things God has me doing now. I think they're boring, or just not quite as awesome as the picture of the future that I have in my head.

I was reminded this week by my dear friend Anna Kate of Elisabeth Elliot's saying, "do the next thing." I constantly want to skip ahead and look for other things to do, all the while ignoring the next thing that is right in front of me.

And for me, the next thing is going to work. It's teaching well. Loving my students. Interacting with my co-workers. Figuring out how to teach well in the weird situation I'm in. The next thing is coaching adorable 4th grade girls on Saturday and teaching them how to play sports and honor God in that. The next thing is leading students at my church in worship on Wednesday nights, and singing in the choir on Sundays. It's being a good sister, a good daughter, a good friend.

I have so much, and the Lord has been so good. He has given me so many wonderful next things. And when it's time for that hypothetical awesome future to get here and become a next thing, I'll embrace it. But for now I want to soak in this season of my life, because I don't know how long it will last, and I don't want to miss it.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven... he has made everything beautiful in its time. 

be strong and courageous.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

This past year, I have let fear creep into my life. Fear of looking stupid, fear of caring too much. Fear of not being good enough, not trying hard enough. I've been afraid of living at home and leaving my friends. I've been afraid of my own emotions.

Fear has been like this disease, poisoning my relationships, and stealing my joy. And I'm so tired of it. 

This year, Lord, remind me that you're with me, and let it make me brave.

on [un]gratefulness and lions.

So yesterday was thanksgiving, the holiday of gratefulness.


And, if I'm being honest, this season of my life (post-college, living with my parents, teaching at the detention center, etc.) has not been marked with gratefulness.

Or even lightly dusted with it.

I have complained, sometimes out loud, to people, but far more often in my heart, to the Lord. Along with this posture of ungratefulness came a host of other unpleasant things, like restlessness, selfishness, and distrust in the Lord.

I've been wallowing in these things for a few months now, and every now and then I'd see the light, the millions of things I had to be grateful for, and get my act together. But I would always return to those attitudes, because, as awful as they are, they're easier. And in some strange way it feels good to feel sorry for yourself.

then 2 or 3 nights ago, I read this verse:

Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. (Psalm 116:7)

And the Lord's voice practically shouting at me, I have been here, pouring out my goodness on you, and you're shutting your eyes to it.

And it's funny, because when the Lord speaks, and I'm actually listening, I never feel hurt or embarrassed,  or offended, or even ashamed, but His voice is completely disarming. And humbling. I forget all the complaints and excuses I had, and it makes me want to give up. In the very best way.

In the Chronicles of Narnia, there are two quotes about this. I love how C.S. Lewis describes the effects of an encounter with God, or in this case, a lion:

But he was in no danger of feeling conceited for he didn't think about it at all now that he was face to face with Aslan. This time he found he could look straight into the Lion's eyes. He had forgotten his troubles and felt absolutely content. - The Magicians Nephew

"You have a traitor here Aslan," said the Witch. Of course everyone present that she meant Edmund. But Edmund had got past thinking about himself after all he'd had that morning. He just went on looking at Aslan. It didn't seem to matter what the Witch said. -The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe


So all of that said, here is my gratefulness list this thanksgiving:

1. I am so incredibly thankful for the disarming voice of God, and that He chooses to speak to me.
2. I am thankful for a job that I am in love with, and students who make my day every time I go into work.
3. I am thankful for a family who loves me much more than I deserve, and think much more highly of me than they ought to.
4. I am thankful for friends who are more like sisters, and a sister who my best friend.
5. I am thankful for the power of music. There have been so many times when I have felt less alone just because of a song lyric written by someone whom I have never met.

Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. Amen.

"help me overcome my unbelief"

So here's the thing I've been dealing with lately...

I teach at a juvenile detention center, so most of the kids come from really bad homes. The majority of the girls have been sexually abused at some point in their lives. Many of our kids are in the foster system. Almost none of them have a father that is involved in their lives.

There is one boy who's 15 years old, and one of 10 kids (6 of whom have been in our facility). One day while he and his siblings we at school, his mom moved out of state. They came home that afternoon to an empty house. She came up to the center to visit one of her kids, and he was so excited because he was going to be able to eat lunch with his mom. She said she had food at home, and so she didn't want to stay.

There's a 15 year old girl who is pregnant for the 3rd time. The father of her baby is 27.

A 19 year old boy was released a few weeks ago and left completely alone. He's been in our facility for 3 months, and no one was there to see him when he was released.

They know more and have experienced more that children should ever have to, or anyone should have to, for that matter.

It just doesn't seem fair.

And sometimes I wonder, why not me? Why was I born to wonderful parents who loved Jesus and had good jobs and were able to give me everything I could ever need?

Most of the kids I teach were born into circumstances beyond their control. I'm not saying that their actions are excusable, or that they shouldn't be held accountable for the things that they do. But I am saying that there is more to every story. They are real people who have experienced real pain.

And it is so humbling to realize that me being "good" has nothing to do with my heart. If I were born into a different, different circumstances, who knows what I would be like. The same sin nature that's in the heart of the kids I teach is in my heart. It's only by the grace of God that I am where I am.

But being around kids like this, with stories like they have, makes me feel hopeless sometimes. How can they come out of this? It seems like literally everything is going against them.

And I realize that I say that I believe Jesus can do big things, like changing these kids' lives, but do I believe that he will?

And if I believe that Jesus can, but don't believe that He will, do I really believe at all?


Jesus, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24)

the truth about trust

"We often presume that trust will dispel the confusion, illuminate the darkness, vanquish the uncertainty, and redeem the times. But the crowd of witnesses in Hebrews 11 testifies that this is not the case. Our trust does not bring final clarity on this earth. It does not still the chaos or dull the pain or provide a crutch. When all else in unclear, the heart of trust says, as Jesus did on the cross, Into your hands I commit my spirit."

"The way of trust is a movement into obscurity, into the undefined, into ambiguity, not into some predetermined, clearly delineated plan for the future. The next step discloses itself only out of a discernment of God acting in the desert of the present moment. The reality of naked trust is the life of a pilgrim who leaves what is nailed down, obvious, and secure, and walks into the unknown without any rational explanation to justify the decision or guarantee the future. Why? Because God has signaled the movement and offered it his presence and his promise."

[both quotes from Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning]



oh, for grace to trust Him more!

in the hands of the Potter.

 "I went down to the potter’s house, and I saw him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him."

Jeremiah 18:3-4

      

heaven.

when we arrive at eternity's shores 
where death is just a memory and tears are no more. 
we'll enter in as the wedding bells ring 
Your bride will come together and we'll sing: 
You're beautiful.




sometimes I just. can't. wait. 

today I am thankful...

1. For Ben Rector's new album, Something Like This. I can't stop listening to it. I will seriously try to listen to other songs and then just give up because I'll just be thinking about how I'd rather be listening to that album. Also, I get to see him IN CONCERT with Needtobreathe this Friday night. I am so so pumped.

2. For October. I think September is something that I have to drag my feet through before I can really start liking Autumn. Also, October is my birthday month, so I'm kind of partial. And this amazing weather is making it extra easy to love this month already.

3. For awesome grandparents. This weekend my entire family was gone, so I stayed with my grandparents because I hate staying at my house by myself (yes, I'm still scared to sleep in my house alone). I hadn't stayed with them in forever, like maybe since middle school. I forgot how much I love having people taking care of me. I got to watch a chick-flick with my Nanny and football on Sunday afternoon with my grandpa, and sit around and drink coffee with them and  talk. It was wonderful.

4. For the coolest little brother ever. I got to have a date with my brother Matthew on Friday night, which is unusual. It's almost never just the two of us. He's 19 and turning into such a man, and has a huge heart for the Lord. I'm so proud of him.

5. For God slapping me in the face. Even though that's not exactly an accurate description, because God has been much kinder and gentler than that with me, even though I don't deserve it. I've had a terrible attitude about a whole lot of things lately. I find myself getting angry about stupid things, and having a general disposition of ungratefulness. I'm driving the other day and God is saying, It's not about you, Sara. And I'm here thinking, I know that the world doesn't revolve around me, God... 
But you think that your life revolves around you.
Ouch. He's right. I have been treating my life like it's mine to plan and arrange and have it the way that I want it to be. I've been getting angry because I felt like my rights to my life were being violated when things didn't work out how I wanted. You gave all those to me, remember, Sara? Yes... and "Oh, for grace to trust Him more."

6. For this verse: "Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry hosts one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of his great power not one of them is missing." Thank you Jesus for stars.