this time last year.

This time last year I was frantically trying to find a summer job/teaching job in Northwest Arkansas. I thought I might be moving to Fayetteville for the summer. I had semi-moved home, knowing that it was only a temporary thing. This time last year I was refusing to apply to teach at any schools in Pine Bluff. I wanted to teach in Northwest Arkansas, live close to all my friends, and work at Gap part-time during the summer so I could get a discount (yes, this was a legitimate part of my life dream). 

Today, I taught a room full of juvenile delinquents about whales. They freaked out when they found out that a blue whale's mouth is as big across as our ceilings are high. "Daaaaaaaang, that's a big ass whale." I watched 2 girls get into a fight and I breathed in some pepper spray. The kids found out my middle name and now think it's real funny to call me "Miss Elizabeth". I had a 14 year old kid call me Mama and come and lean his head on my shoulder. I fed my class fish and laughed with my kids. 

A year ago, in my wildest dreams I could not have imagined that this would be my life. And today I would have it absolutely no other way. 

here's to change.

here's to change. the good kind. the kind that sneaks up on you like a pleasant surprise.

the next thing.

Sometimes I want to skip ahead in my life. On to another phase. Around the next corner. I dream of the future and all the awesome things I'll get to do then. And I start to get dissatisfied with the things God has me doing now. I think they're boring, or just not quite as awesome as the picture of the future that I have in my head.

I was reminded this week by my dear friend Anna Kate of Elisabeth Elliot's saying, "do the next thing." I constantly want to skip ahead and look for other things to do, all the while ignoring the next thing that is right in front of me.

And for me, the next thing is going to work. It's teaching well. Loving my students. Interacting with my co-workers. Figuring out how to teach well in the weird situation I'm in. The next thing is coaching adorable 4th grade girls on Saturday and teaching them how to play sports and honor God in that. The next thing is leading students at my church in worship on Wednesday nights, and singing in the choir on Sundays. It's being a good sister, a good daughter, a good friend.

I have so much, and the Lord has been so good. He has given me so many wonderful next things. And when it's time for that hypothetical awesome future to get here and become a next thing, I'll embrace it. But for now I want to soak in this season of my life, because I don't know how long it will last, and I don't want to miss it.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven... he has made everything beautiful in its time. 

on [un]gratefulness and lions.

So yesterday was thanksgiving, the holiday of gratefulness.


And, if I'm being honest, this season of my life (post-college, living with my parents, teaching at the detention center, etc.) has not been marked with gratefulness.

Or even lightly dusted with it.

I have complained, sometimes out loud, to people, but far more often in my heart, to the Lord. Along with this posture of ungratefulness came a host of other unpleasant things, like restlessness, selfishness, and distrust in the Lord.

I've been wallowing in these things for a few months now, and every now and then I'd see the light, the millions of things I had to be grateful for, and get my act together. But I would always return to those attitudes, because, as awful as they are, they're easier. And in some strange way it feels good to feel sorry for yourself.

then 2 or 3 nights ago, I read this verse:

Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. (Psalm 116:7)

And the Lord's voice practically shouting at me, I have been here, pouring out my goodness on you, and you're shutting your eyes to it.

And it's funny, because when the Lord speaks, and I'm actually listening, I never feel hurt or embarrassed,  or offended, or even ashamed, but His voice is completely disarming. And humbling. I forget all the complaints and excuses I had, and it makes me want to give up. In the very best way.

In the Chronicles of Narnia, there are two quotes about this. I love how C.S. Lewis describes the effects of an encounter with God, or in this case, a lion:

But he was in no danger of feeling conceited for he didn't think about it at all now that he was face to face with Aslan. This time he found he could look straight into the Lion's eyes. He had forgotten his troubles and felt absolutely content. - The Magicians Nephew

"You have a traitor here Aslan," said the Witch. Of course everyone present that she meant Edmund. But Edmund had got past thinking about himself after all he'd had that morning. He just went on looking at Aslan. It didn't seem to matter what the Witch said. -The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe


So all of that said, here is my gratefulness list this thanksgiving:

1. I am so incredibly thankful for the disarming voice of God, and that He chooses to speak to me.
2. I am thankful for a job that I am in love with, and students who make my day every time I go into work.
3. I am thankful for a family who loves me much more than I deserve, and think much more highly of me than they ought to.
4. I am thankful for friends who are more like sisters, and a sister who my best friend.
5. I am thankful for the power of music. There have been so many times when I have felt less alone just because of a song lyric written by someone whom I have never met.

Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. Amen.

A List

1. I have this new thing where I read people's blogs who are total strangers. Occasionally they are friends of friends, but mostly they are just strangers. This makes me feel a little creepy, but I do it anyway because I like it so much.

2. I never really felt like I was very southern until I went to college, where I was suddenly much more southern than most of my other friends. This is because where I'm from, people don't consider me southern or country at all, because compared to everyone else around here I'm not. All this to say, living at home, I'm back to feeling very normal and non-southern, which makes me a little sad. [but I still say yall and love sweet tea]

3. Sometimes I look at people's blogs or pictures on Facebook and I'm jealous of their lives. Jealous that they are going on adventures or are married or even just because their lives look really fun. This is a confession. My heart shouldn't have this attitude because I know that I am exactly where the Lord wants me. That should be enough for me.

4. Summer is almost over. This depresses me most years. But I found myself actually looking forward to fall when I was thinking about it this morning. Ok, to be honest, I'm looking forward to boots and cardigans. But it's a start, right? :)

5. Monday I start my first full-time teaching job. I'm teaching math and science at a Juvenile Detention Center in Pine Bluff. I honestly almost laugh out loud every time I think about how crazy it is that this is my first job out of college. Most of the time I feel unprepared and inadequate and like they surely should've hired someone else for this. And then I remember that that is just about God's favorite thing. Which makes me not so worried anymore.

what the heck?

today I have my first real big-girl job interview.